When one parent carries more… understanding mental load and resentment

You love your child. You love your partner. And yet, something feels deeply off.

Maybe you feel like you are carrying everything. The thinking, planning, anticipating, remembering. Or maybe you feel constantly criticised, never quite getting it right, or like no matter what you do, it is not enough. Perhaps one of you feels trapped by responsibility, while the other still seems to have freedoms that feel completely out of reach.

This is one of the most common, and least talked about, struggles I see in new parents. Not because either partner is doing something wrong, but because parenting often becomes mismatched in ways couples never expected.

And when this mismatch goes unspoken, resentment quietly builds.

What do we mean by mismatched parenting?

Mismatched parenting is not about one person caring and the other not. It is about differences in how responsibility, mental load, freedom, and emotional labour are carried within the family system.

This can show up as:

One parent holding most of the mental load
Differences in how much each partner’s life has changed
Unequal access to rest, autonomy, or time alone
Different expectations about roles, standards, or responsibility
Feeling like you are parenting both your child and your partner

These differences are rarely intentional. They are often shaped by gender norms, upbringing, work structures, trauma histories, and unspoken assumptions about what parenting should look like.

The mental load no one sees

Mental load is not just about doing tasks. It is about holding responsibility in your mind at all times.

Knowing when the baby last fed. Remembering childcare forms. Anticipating sleep regressions. Booking appointments. Planning meals. Noticing when clothes no longer fit. Thinking three steps ahead, constantly.

Often, one parent becomes the default holder of this invisible labour. And because it is largely unseen, it can feel deeply lonely.

What many parents say in sessions is not “I want my partner to do more”, but “I want them to see how much I am holding”.

When this load is unbalanced for long periods, resentment is a natural response.

The quiet loss of freedom

Another painful part of mismatched parenting is the loss of freedom, and how uneven that loss can feel.

One parent may feel they no longer have access to spontaneity, rest, hobbies, or even basic autonomy. They might feel constantly “on”, unable to fully switch off. Meanwhile, the other parent may still move through the world with more flexibility, less mental burden, or fewer interruptions.

This difference does not mean one parent does not care. But it can land as unfair, invalidating, or isolating.

Over time, this can sound like:

“My life has shrunk, and yours hasn’t.”
“I don’t recognise myself anymore.”
“I feel stuck while you still get to be you.”

When these feelings are not acknowledged, resentment deepens.

How resentment grows between parents

Resentment rarely explodes overnight. It builds slowly, through small, repeated moments of feeling unseen, unsupported, or taken for granted.

It might grow through:

Doing more and more without asking, then feeling angry about it
Asking for help and feeling dismissed or misunderstood
Feeling like the default parent while your partner opts out
Holding in frustration to keep the peace

Eventually, resentment can leak out through sarcasm, criticism, emotional withdrawal, or conflict that seems disproportionate to the issue at hand.

At this point, many couples start to feel like they are on opposing teams.

Why these dynamics are so common after baby

Becoming parents is one of the biggest relational transitions you will ever experience. It exposes differences in values, expectations, coping styles, and capacity.

For many couples, parenting roles are not consciously negotiated. They emerge in survival mode, shaped by leave arrangements, feeding, work demands, and who steps in first. What starts as temporary can quietly become the norm.

Add sleep deprivation, identity shifts, and pressure to “get it right”, and there is very little space left for reflective conversation.

This is not a personal failure. It is a systemic and relational challenge that many couples face.

The emotional impact of mismatched parenting

When parenting feels mismatched, the emotional toll can be significant.

Parents often report:

Chronic frustration or irritability
Emotional distance from their partner
Guilt for feeling resentful
A sense of being trapped or invisible
Loss of desire for intimacy

Over time, this can erode not only the relationship, but also your sense of self.

How perinatal couples counselling can help couples rebalance

Perinatal couples counselling is not about deciding who is right or wrong. It is about slowing things down enough to see what is really happening underneath the tension.

In therapy, couples can:

Name and validate the mental load that is being carried
Explore how roles were formed and whether they still fit
Understand each other’s internal experiences, not just behaviours
Re-negotiate responsibilities in more conscious ways
Address resentment before it hardens into disconnection

Often, when partners truly understand each other’s inner worlds, something softens. Compassion replaces defensiveness. Teamwork becomes possible again.

Moving towards a more shared experience of parenting

There is no perfect split. Parenting will never feel equal all the time. But it can feel more shared, more intentional, and more respectful.

This starts with honest conversations, support when needed, and a willingness to look at patterns rather than blaming individuals.

You both matter in this equation.

You do not have to stay stuck here

If you are noticing resentment, imbalance, or growing distance in your relationship since becoming parents, support is available.

Every day we work with couples across Perth and online who are navigating the realities of mismatched parenting, mental load, and relationship strain after baby. Our approach is trauma informed, relational, and grounded in the realities of modern parenthood.

If you are ready to explore this together, we’d love to support you. Reconnection is possible. You can find out more here.

Let's get to know each other

My name is Fiona Rogerson and I am a registered Trauma and Perinatal Perth Counsellor and Childbirth Educator. I work with women and men to overcome emotional and psychological hurdles surrounding birth trauma, childhood trauma, traumatic experiences, as well as conception, pregnancy, postpartum, parenting and identity. I am also available to provide supervision, mentoring and professional development training and workshops. I am based south of the river in Perth.