How to talk to your partner about your birth trauma without feeling misunderstood
“I remember feeling like I was drowning, my thoughts racing, my emotions all over the place. But what struck me the most was how impossible it felt to talk to my partner about what I was experiencing. I wanted to share, to be understood, but the words never seemed to come out right. There was this overwhelming fear of being misunderstood, or worse, feeling like I was a burden.”
When birth trauma enters your life, it doesn’t just affect you, it has ripple effects that touch every part of your life, including your most intimate relationships. If you’ve noticed a growing disconnect between you and your partner, you’re not alone. Birth trauma can impact trust, communication, and intimacy, leaving you feeling like you’re on separate islands, unable to bridge the gap.
Talking to your partner about your birth trauma can feel overwhelming. You might fear they won’t understand or worry that sharing your feelings will make you seem broken. But open communication is a crucial step in healing – not just for yourself, but for your relationship as well.
In this post, we’ll explore how to talk to your partner about your birth trauma in a way that fosters understanding, connection, and healing.
Understanding why this conversation is so hard
Birth trauma is isolating. When trauma overwhelms your nervous system, it can leave you feeling stuck, unable to fully process or share what happened. Perhaps you’ve tried bringing it up before, only to feel shut down by your partner’s reaction or your own inner voice saying, “They’ll never get it”.
It’s also deeply vulnerable. Sharing the raw emotions tied to your birth experience (whether fear, shame, anger, or grief) can make you feel exposed, especially if you worry about how your partner might respond.
But the truth is, your partner probably wants to support you – they just might not know how. Taking the time to explain what you’re feeling, and why, can open the door to greater understanding and connection.
5 steps to have a meaningful conversation about birth trauma
1. Prepare yourself emotionally
Before diving into the conversation, spend some time reflecting on what you want to communicate. Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now about my birth experience and how it has impacted me?
- What do I want my partner to know or understand?
- What kind of support am I looking for from them?
Writing down your thoughts can help you clarify your emotions and give you confidence going into the discussion.
If the idea of talking feels too overwhelming, consider seeking support from a perinatal or trauma-informed counsellor first. A safe therapeutic space can help you process your feelings and practise how to communicate them.
2. Choose the right time and space
Timing is important. Choose a moment when both you and your partner are calm, free from distractions, and open to listening. Avoid having this conversation in the middle of an argument or when emotions are already running high.
Create a comfortable environment where you can both feel comfortable. This could mean sitting together on the couch after your baby is asleep, or going for a walk where you can talk more freely.
3. Start with vulnerability and honesty
Opening up can be scary, but it sets the tone for an honest and empathetic conversation. You might start by acknowledging how hard this is for you:
- “This is really difficult for me to talk about, but I want us to feel closer, so I want to share what I’ve been experiencing.”
- “I’ve been carrying a lot from my birth experience, and it’s affecting me (and us) in ways I don’t think I fully understood until recently.”
Let your partner know that you’re sharing because you value your relationship and want to strengthen it, not because you’re placing blame or expecting them to “fix” anything.
4. Explain the impact without judging
It’s important to share not just what happened during the birth, but how it has affected you and your relationship. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory:
- “I’ve felt really disconnected from my body since the birth, and it’s made intimacy hard for me. It’s not that I don’t want to be close to you, I just feel overwhelmed sometimes.”
- “When you were holding our baby after the birth, I felt so alone and scared. I know it wasn’t your fault, but those feelings have stuck with me, and I’m trying to make sense of them.”
Help your partner see the connection between your trauma and your current struggles. This can prevent misunderstandings.
5. Invite their perspective and involvement
A conversation isn’t just about sharing, it’s about creating mutual understanding. Once you’ve shared your experience, invite your partner to share theirs:
- “How was the birth experience for you? I don’t think we’ve really talked about what it was like for you.”
- “I’d love to know how you’ve been feeling about us lately. I want to understand where you’re coming from too.”
This approach helps your partner feel included, rather than shut out. It also creates space for them to express any emotions they’ve been holding onto, like fear, helplessness, or guilt.
What to do if you feel misunderstood
Even with the best intentions, your partner may not fully understand your feelings right away. That’s okay. Healing takes time, and so does learning how to navigate trauma as a couple.
If you feel like your partner isn’t getting it, gently remind them that this is a learning process:
- “I know this is a lot to take in. I’m still figuring it out too, and I really appreciate you being here with me as I work through it.”
You can also suggest seeking professional help together. A perinatal or couples counsellor can provide a neutral space where both of you can feel heard and supported as you work through the impacts of birth trauma on your relationship.
Why this conversation matters
For many couples, birth trauma creates a silent wedge – an emotional distance that grows when left unaddressed. By taking the brave step of talking about your trauma, you’re not just helping yourself heal; you’re inviting your partner to join you on the journey.
In the words of one mother: “It wasn’t until my husband gently pointed out how distant I’d become that I realised how much I wanted to reconnect. Talking about it wasn’t easy, but it brought us closer together than I ever thought possible”.
You don’t have to go through this alone. With open communication, empathy, and the right support, healing is possible, for you, your partner, and your relationship.
If you’re struggling to start the conversation, consider reaching out to a trauma-informed counsellor for guidance. They can support you both to find ways to feel seen, understood, and supported.
Need support? Learn more about individual perinatal counselling and couples counselling, or get in touch via the link below. We offer a range of evidence-based and effective relationship counselling therapies including the Gottman method.
