How birth trauma can affect your relationship: Why you may be avoiding intimacy with your partner
“I can’t stand being touched. When my partner hugs me, my whole body tenses up, and I feel like I’m back in that hospital bed, trapped. They don’t understand why I’m pulling away, and I don’t know how to explain it without hurting their feelings.”
This is a story we hear often, from people navigating the aftermath of birth trauma. If you’re finding it hard to connect with your partner or noticing that intimacy feels impossible, please know you’re not alone. Birth trauma can impact how you feel in your body, how you relate to others, and how you communicate, all of which can make it feel like there’s a growing gap between you and your partner.
What I want you to also know though, is that with understanding, compassion, and support, it’s possible to rebuild connection and intimacy after a traumatic birth experience.
Why birth trauma impacts our relationships
Trauma doesn’t just live in your mind, it also lives on in your body. During a traumatic birth, your nervous system is activated into survival mode. Even long after the birth, your body can hold onto those feelings of fear, helplessness, or even betrayal, especially if you felt ignored, unsupported, or unsafe.
This can make relationships with those closest to you, including your partner, feel complicated. You might want to connect but find that your body or emotions aren’t letting you. Or you might feel resentment, anger, or isolation, even if your partner has tried their best to be supportive.
Trauma often creates barriers to intimacy, leaving both you and your partner feeling confused, rejected, or even hurt.
Here’s how birth trauma can show up in relationships
1. Avoiding physical intimacy
For many people, birth trauma can create a sense of disconnection from their own body. You might feel numb, disconnected, or even repelled by touch.
When your partner reaches out for affection – a hug, a kiss, or an attempt at sexual intimacy – your body might respond with tension or even panic. It’s not that you don’t love them; it’s that your body is stuck in a trauma response, associating touch with feelings of helplessness or loss of control.
For some, these feelings stem from physical trauma during birth, like medical interventions, physical injury, or a sense of violation. For others, it’s about the emotional experience – being ignored, dismissed, or powerless.
This avoidance of touch can drive a wedge between you and your partner. They might feel confused or rejected, not understanding that your reactions aren’t about them but about the trauma you’ve experienced. Meanwhile, you might feel guilty or ashamed, wondering if you’ll ever be able to feel close to them again.
2. Strained communication
Birth trauma doesn’t just impact physical intimacy, it can also affect how you and your partner communicate.
You might find yourself snapping at them over little things, like how they fold the laundry or handle the baby. On the surface, it might seem like you’re upset about these tasks, but underneath, it could be about something deeper, like the unresolved feelings of abandonment or fear you experienced during birth.
Your partner might not understand why you’re so tense or reactive, especially if they don’t know the full extent of your trauma. They might ask, ‘Why are you so upset all the time?’ or ‘What did I do wrong?’. But when you try to explain, it feels like they just don’t get it, leaving you feeling even more alone.
Over time, this cycle of miscommunication can create distance. Your partner might stop asking how you’re feeling, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing. And you might stop sharing, feeling like there’s no point.
3. Emotional disconnection
Birth trauma can also create feelings of resentment or isolation. If your partner wasn’t present or supportive during birth, or if they seemed fine while you were falling apart, you might feel anger or bitterness toward them, even if they didn’t mean to let you down.
On the other hand, if your partner has been supportive but doesn’t fully understand what you’re going through, you might feel like they’re on the outside looking in. They might say things like, ‘At least our baby is healthy’, or, ‘You’re so strong’, not realising how invalidating those words can feel.
These emotional disconnects can make it feel like you’re living parallel lives, rather than navigating parenting as a team.
Rebuilding connection and intimacy after birth trauma
If birth trauma is impacting your relationship, it’s important to know that healing is possible – for both you and your partnership. Rebuilding connection takes time, patience, and understanding, but with the right tools, you can move toward a place of greater closeness and intimacy.
Here are some steps that might help:
- Acknowledge the trauma
The first step is recognising that what you’re experiencing isn’t just “postpartum stress” or “a rough patch.” Birth trauma is real, and it affects both your body and mind. Naming the trauma can help you and your partner understand why things feel so hard right now. - Open up about your feelings
If you feel safe, try sharing your experiences with your partner. This doesn’t have to be all at once – start small. For example, you might say, ‘I’ve been feeling really on edge since the birth’, or, ‘Sometimes I feel disconnected, and I think it’s because of what happened during labour’.
It’s okay if these conversations feel hard. You don’t have to have all the answers, and your partner doesn’t have to “fix” anything. The goal is to create understanding, not solutions. - Seek professional support
A trauma-informed relationship therapist can help you work through the emotions and triggers that are impacting your relationship. They can also help you and your partner navigate these challenges together, creating a space where both of you feel heard and supported. - Rebuild physical intimacy slowly
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex. Start with small, low-pressure gestures, like holding hands, sitting close on the couch, or sharing a hug. Over time, as you feel safer in your body, you can explore other forms of intimacy at your own pace. - Practice self-compassion
Healing takes time, and it’s okay if you’re not where you want to be yet. Be gentle with yourself on the hard days, and remember that your reactions aren’t a sign of failure – they’re a sign that your body is trying to protect you and trying to process a really challenging experience.
Moving forward together after birth trauma
Birth trauma doesn’t have to define your relationship. With understanding, communication, and support, it’s possible to rebuild the connection that feels lost right now.
If you’re finding it hard to take the first step, remember: you’re not alone. Many parents have walked this path and found their way to healing. With time, patience, and care, you can too.
Your relationship, and your healing, matter. One small step at a time, you can move toward a future that feels more connected, supported, and whole.
Our approach to relationship counselling
We offer perinatal relationship counselling in-person in Perth, WA, and online around Australia. Grounded in trauma-informed care and evidence-based techniques, including the Gottman Method, we help couples develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, process their emotions, and rebuild trust and intimacy.
We recognise that every couple is different. Some may be dealing with the immediate aftermath of birth trauma, while others might be feeling the long-term effects of unresolved tension. Our counsellors are experienced in working with both new and seasoned parents, helping them find common ground and foster a loving, supportive environment for their family.
The goal is never about assigning blame or determining who’s right or wrong. Instead, it’s about strengthening the bond you share and finding practical, supportive ways to stay connected amidst the challenges of new parenthood.
We work to create a safe and empathetic space where you and your partner can grow, heal, and find your way back to each other.
If you’re feeling the strain of birth trauma or struggling to maintain your connection as new parents, you can reach out to us and we can chat through the support and tools you need to navigate this new chapter with compassion and understanding for both yourself and your partner.
Make an appointment with an experienced relationship counsellor today
If you’re ready to work on your relationship and regain the connection you once had, book a relationship counselling session with us today. We offer both in-person appointments in Highgate, WA and online sessions for clients across Australia.
No referral is needed, and there’s no waitlist, so you can get started right away.
Find out more about couple’s counselling here.
